Holiday dread?

Every year, my friends and I have the same conversation. We all dread going into the holiday season, and we feel guilty about it. We’re excited about a lot of elements of the holidays, but the stress, the number of activities, the comparison and expectations, and the uptick in family conflict leaves us all wishing for January 1st.

Holidays have a lot of inherent pressure built in. There’s build up to a particular moment or day, not to mention all the memories associated with holidays, often both joyful and painful. The emphasis on gratitude during the holiday season can also be difficult for many when they’re grieving the loss of a loved one or experiencing current pain in their life.

Holidays also seem to be full of expectations - expectations from family about where we should be and who we should spend our time with, and expectations we create for ourselves based on comparison to others and how we think our holidays should be spent or how they should look.

Holidays for some can bring to the surface wounds from childhood. Sometimes it may be because we must see unsafe people from our pasts that we are able to avoid most of the year and sometimes it may be because we experienced a lot of disappointment in the past around holidays.

I want to share some ideas to help bring the joy back to the holidays and reduce the overwhelm! Before I share the strategies, I want you to repeat after me:

I’m an adult and have agency over how I spend my time, energy, and other resources. I do not have to do things I don’t want to do. I can be kind and assertive simultaneously. It’s ok to make my needs and my family’s needs a priority during the holidays. I do not have to meet anyone else’s standards of what makes a good holiday.

Now that we’ve established that guiding principle, here we go!

First, decide what your goals are for the season. This isn’t an attempt to make a long list of expectations that will create disappointment if they aren’t met. This is more of an opportunity to decide your priorities. Ask yourself some questions. Do you want to spend most of your time with family or do you value also sharing holidays with friends? Is it important that you serve or share what you have with others during the holiday season? Do you like to drive around and look at holiday lights or attend local events and don’t feel like you’ve celebrated the holidays without that? Think about what’s important to you and how you can honor your values this holiday season. This helps you decide how to spend your money and time and makes it easier to know what to say no to.

Second, create budgets for time & spending. A time budget lets you decide prior to the holidays how you want to spend your time during the holidays. It decreases the likelihood of saying yes to everything and then becoming overwhelmed when you realize you’re overcommitted. A part of budgeting your time also includes creating white space in your schedule. One of the biggest reasons holidays can be so stressful is the sheer volume of activities, expectations, tasks to manage, as well as the fast pace we maintain during this season. Purposeful creation of white space allows time for rest. Especially as Christians, we need this space to reflect on what the holidays mean to us and for us. If we are running at such a fast pace with no time for rest and reflection, there’s no time to contemplate the depth of meaning of this season.

Creating a spending budget allows you to decide based on your own financial picture how much you want to spend and where you want your budget to go: travel, experiences, or gifts. Budgeting your spending will also help you to reduce overwhelm that comes from comparison. It’s so easy to compare what you see on social media: the gifts you see others giving their children, the trips you see planned, the cute outfits or parties. If you’ve already set your priorities based on what time and money you want to spend, this helps reduce the temptation to compare.

Third, set healthy boundaries with family and friends. Boundaries simply define what is and is not acceptable in a relationship or situation. Boundary setting helps reduce the overwhelm and stress of the holidays and helps you figure out the best way you can love your family and friends well without creating unnecessary anxiety. 3 quick tips to remember as you set your boundaries this season:

Be kind and assertive.

Say no if needed.

Offer possible solutions.

I’ll offer you an example of one way my husband and I set a simple boundary early on in our family life. When our first son was born, we decided it was important to us that our son and any future children would be able to experience Christmas morning at home. We tried to communicate this clearly and kindly, said no when suggestions of plans interfered with this boundary, and offered other solutions such as being happy to have grandparents or aunts and uncles or friends come to our house for Christmas morning. We made this a priority early on, so when it came time to make holiday plans, Christmas morning away from home was off the table. Setting this simple boundary allowed my husband and I to experience Christmas morning in a way that was important to us, while also being respectful of our families.

A lot of boundary setting requires saying no in some form. Saying no can be scary and intimidating. Not only that, but for many of us, saying no feels selfish. Often as Christians, we’ve been taught to be peacemakers at all costs. I want to suggest that it’s possible and necessary to say no at times. If we say yes when we mean no, we create internal distrust. And if we do this repeatedly, we learn to ignore our gut which can be dangerous. Our no’s often keep us safe, healthy, and protected. If we lack internal trust, we become people who don’t trust others and that creates a whole new set of problems. A few things to remember about saying no:

Every “No” is a “Yes”. When we say no to one thing, we’re inherently saying yes to something else.

You don’t owe an explanation. “No” is a complete sentence.

How your “No” is received is none of your business. How your “No” is delivered is your responsibility.

The fourth and last strategy is to give yourself permission to feel. Holidays can be painful for a lot of us. Maybe we miss a loved one who has died; maybe we have moved to a new place and find ourselves without friends or support; maybe we’ve been through a divorce and our family is experiencing the holiday differently. The holiday season can bring back memories and that can be hard, as well. Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. It’s ok if others may not understand.

Examples of emotions you may feel around the holiday season: dismissed, misunderstood, disrespected, overlooked, anxious, insignificant, jealous, inferior, nervous, vulnerable, ashamed. There are some good reasons holidays bring out all the feels. Our inner child is often activated. We’re reminded of who we were and where we came from. Old insecurities may resurface. We may be treated like a child by our parents. Family members can settle into their prescribed roles assigned to them in early childhood. We may also find that past trauma is triggered. Feeling a lot of confusing feelings during the holidays is normal.

Holidays can be joyful, and they can also be hard. Give yourself and others grace. Focus on the best ways to love God, yourself, and others well this holiday season.