Avoid or Allow?

Our social connections help give us identity and when they disappear or change, even temporarily, it can be very confusing. I was thinking about what it was like in March of 2020 when the world shut down. We all experienced abrupt disconnection, and it was startling. We no longer experienced community in the same way. Church and school were online. Every interaction with others was socially distanced. It’s no surprise that feelings of loneliness and isolation were rampant. But even in less extreme circumstances, connection can be disrupted by a move, job change or job loss, a divorce, changing churches or schools, and many other situations.

When our connections are disrupted, regardless of the degree of that disruption, feelings of loneliness and isolation are common.

What I’ve observed in working with my clients is that most women react in one of two ways when they feel disconnected, lonely, or isolated. The first is to Avoid. Before the uncomfortable feelings can even settle in, she’s already made plans to get busy. She can’t tolerate those feelings of loneliness, and so to make that feeling go away or at the very least to not get worse, she does whatever she needs to do to avoid feeling disconnected or lonely.

The second is to Allow. She just leans all the way in.  She shuts down, becomes depressed, starts sleeping more, cries and becomes withdrawn. She may begin to drink more or eat more or work more.  She feels the big hole left by loneliness and allows or embraces it. 

Both are human reactions and can be healthy or unhealthy depending on how a woman chooses to respond. A healthy response to the feelings of loneliness, isolation or disconnection starts with acknowledging the emotion. Downplaying or only emphasizing the positive isn’t truthful. Acknowledge how hard it is, how sad it makes you feel and let yourself feel whatever comes up for you. The next step is to pay attention to what you need in that moment. What can you do that will allow the emotion you’re feeling to move through you in a in a healthy way?

So if we look back at the reactions of Avoiding and Allowing, they each can be healthy if both steps are included. When a woman avoids, what’s missing is the acknowledgement that the emotions are difficult and uncomfortable and a willingness to experience them. When a woman allows, what’s missing is the decision to move beyond the feeling and into action to help her grow from experiencing the feeling.

In addition to assessing how you feel and what you need, I encourage my clients to use the tool of reframing to help them understand how they are currently experiencing their feelings of isolation, disconnect or loneliness and the possibilities of how it could be different. Reframing is a strategy that helps you look at a situation or your feelings about a situation in a new and different way. When you change your point of view, the facts remain the same, but a deliberate shift is made in how you see it.  Because the facts remain the same, you’re not denying that the situation is hard, you’re just choosing to also look at what may be positive or possible about it. 

Reframing works with almost every situation and emotion you can feel, not just loneliness and disconnection.  Remember, you’re not denying the difficulty of the emotion; You’re simply choosing to also see another side.  Don’t become discouraged if you find it difficult to reframe.  When we habitually respond to a particular emotion in the same way, over time, that pathway in our brain becomes well worn.  In order to create a new pathway, it will take some time as we teach ourselves this tool.

Whenever you are feeling lonely, remember that you are never completely alone. Jesus promised to be with you always (Matthew 28:20). You can feel lonely and also honor the truth that you aren’t alone. It doesn’t have to be either/or. When you feel disconnected and isolated from people, know that the God you have chosen to serve has chosen not to leave you (Deuteronomy 31:6). You may not feel his closeness, but He is close. Again, you can honor both truths – the truth of how you feel and the truth of who he says he is.

I pray during those times of feeling disconnected, isolated or lonely, you’ll remember that Jesus understands. He can empathize with your hurt. (Jesus Understands Loneliness | Desiring God) He was hated, rejected, and deeply understood sadness and grief (Isaiah 53:3).