Toxic or Just Difficult?
The word toxic has become a popular description for difficult people or relationships in recent years. A person or relationship isn’t toxic simply because we disagree or even have trouble relating. In my estimation, a truly toxic person is one who either can’t or won’t: see another’s perspective, empathize with others, or respect others. Because of these traits, they aren’t willing or able to respect healthy boundaries (of most any type) and as a result tend to create chaos in most every situation.
When a Christian finds herself interacting with a person who truly fits the definition of toxic I’ve proposed, it can be difficult to know how to interact. I get the question often asking if it’s even ok for believers to set emotional, time or material boundaries in a relationship, especially one that you’ve determined is toxic. My short answer is not only do I think it’s ok, I believe it’s the most loving way to behave in relationships. Let me explain.
Boundaries are the limits and rules we set for ourselves within relationships. They help us identify those areas for which we’re responsible and those for which we’re not responsible. We set healthy boundaries so we can function well and live according to our values. Often, we set them because we have learned the best ways to care for ourselves. Sometimes personal boundaries relate to our emotions, our time, our possessions or money or even our body.
Here’s a simple example: If we set a boundary with a family member that we prefer to receive advance notice when they come to our house, we’re sharing a couple of things with them. In this case, we’re letting them know that perhaps we’re uncomfortable with surprise visits and need time to be prepared to receive guests. We aren’t communicating this information in an unkind way; we’re simply letting our needs be known. (We can choose to explain the “why” behind the boundary – in this case it could be that unannounced visitors create high anxiety- but we aren’t obligated to explain the “why”). A healthy, emotionally mature person will simply note the request and begin to call ahead before visits, respecting your boundary. An emotionally unhealthy person may be offended by this boundary, take it personally, want to argue about it or refuse to honor it.
In my opinion, one of the most beautiful ways we can love others is to be clear about what we want and need.
As believers, we love others. It’s sort of our thing, right? I think one of the reasons it’s confusing as a Christian to hold to healthy personal boundaries is that at times, it doesn’t feel loving. It can feel selfish. Especially if you, like me, were taught that you should always put others’ needs above your own. Service to others before self was taught to me to be the highest form of love. For lots of reasons that I don’t have space to get into here, I don’t believe that’s a theologically sound teaching and it’s one that has caused a lot of damage. In my opinion, one of the most beautiful ways we can love others is to be clear about what we want and need. When we’re unclear and our boundaries are constantly shifting, we leave others confused and unsure about how to interact with us. It’s incredibly selfish to ask others to guess what we need and then be angry when they don’t guess correctly.
If you do find yourself in a relationship with a person who displays truly toxic behavior by continually ignoring clear boundaries and this causes great harm, what is your obligation to this person? Is it ok, as a Christian, to cut off contact with the toxic person? I do believe and have been witness to times when stopping communication with a toxic person was absolutely necessary - especially when someone's mental health and wellbeing or their physical safety was a concern. What I will say emphatically is that coping with a toxic person through completely disconnecting is usually the exception. With the vast majority of situations I’ve encountered in my work with clients, I've found that there are many, many steps that can be taken on the part of the person wanting to improve the dynamic of the relationship before consideration of cutting off contact completely is a viable option. I would say there's a great deal of time and discernment, prayer and seeking wisdom that would need to go into a decision like this. I’ll also say it's not a quick or simple solution. What I've seen in many I've walked with on this road is that there is so much pain and heartache that results from ending a relationship, even a toxic one. I've also witnessed people who are finally able to heal and move on with their lives because they don't have the constant chaos of the toxic person there to hold them back.
Our faith compels us to love God and love others. It compels us to offer others the benefit of the doubt and assume goodwill of their motives. Our faith compels us to turn the other cheek when we're hurt and forgive over and over again. What it does not compel us to do, in my opinion, is allow a person who is knowingly, willingly, consistently harming us to continue to do so under some pretense that it's the loving, Christian thing to do.